"I always said when I was a little boy 'I bet you'd never end up being a little girl'. But I did that. So anything's possible. I can do anything I like." [mpeg: 1.8MB] [mp3]

Webmaster's Diary

By this time you'd probably wonder who I am, writing these pages. Well, I'm Gary, and primarily I'm a perfectly ordinary garden-variety straight bloke who likes real ale, nice girls and motorsports. On the other hand I have lots of hobbies that many people find strange, but that's just my way of progressing from young geek to old eccentric. I don't live in Britain. I have never met Jackie, nor looked for her in Sussex Gardens (I was in Paddington October 1999 with my mum for her 60th birthday, but then I had never heard of Jackie, and anyway don't think my mum would approve if I ran off for 'business'). I've never been with a prostitute, although this is not in any way to do with morality (I firmly believe everyone has the right to do what they want with their body. However, should I ever think that nobody would go to bed with me unless I paid them for it, I would probably kill myself). And finally, I have no wish to get on television (I had my five minutes of fame on MTV's Most Wanted many years ago). And three months ago I did not really know what gender dysphoria was all about.

Having decided to make this site, I stated taking notes after each episode. This was first meant as an episode guide, but as I've missed so many of the early ones it soon grew more into a compilation of personal reflections.

22 Aug 00

When Jackie returned, we found her taking a break and going to Dover, contemplating what do do with her life. I guess seeing this long-legged sweetheart on corner of Sussex Gardens would get the attention of most men, but watching her in church describing what she wanted on her gravestone ("She was a jolly good girl who tried to make the best of things", if I remember correctly) made a much more lasting impression on me. Unfortunately I had a friend over and couldn't concentrate on the show, neither did I manage to tape it.

29 Aug 00

The first episode I taped was sent on BBC1 14 July 99, and has about 10 mins of Jackie. She first talks about how she wants to stop drinking. She's only got Lucozade in the fridge, and looks great in her black turtleneck sweater. I find her short dark hairstyle suits her best, but then again I've always had a thing for brunettes.

"I always said I could never go out to work unless I had a drink.But... I mean, I always said when I was a little boy I never would end up being a little girl. And I did that. So anything's possible, innit? I can do anything I like." This must be absolutely the most positive motto I have ever heard. Whenever I feel like I'm having problems, I think of Jackie and how she managed to pull through her much bigger problems, of which only half come through alive. Suddenly my own worries seem so petty and trivial.

In the second episode, which obviously is taken some time later as her hair is longer (with blond stripes). She buys a two week holiday in Greece, gets a birth certificate, a new passport and a couple of gin & tonics. It was really sad to see her not knowing who to list under next of kin in her passport. According to the Jeremy Mills chat, Jackie has a range of friends in London, but seeing her at a loss for whom to contact in case of illness or accident made me feel so useless. I remember thinking we could make a list for her fans to sign, who would stand up for her in case she needed some support. Perhaps on the net she could find the family she lost as a child.

5 Sept 00

When Jackie went to Greece in the first episode, the cameras focused a lot on her drinking, with some cheap slow motion shots that distorted what was just a common drinking game. Later, back in her room they taped her crying her mascara out and talking about her loneliness. "I want somebody to like me. I just want somebody to hug me and say 'Jackie, you're allright, you're nice'. But men don't do that". And I started crying as well. Sorry for her because I know how it was to be lonely. Hurt because I would have hugged her every time if I'd had the privilege to meet her. Angry because while I was a man, not all men are like the punters. And sad because I not only liked Jackie, but had grown a real affection for this unhappy but exceedingly charming girl.

The episode ends with Jackie buying another two weeks' holiday in Tenerife. In the next one (the first of the third series) she arrives looking sportier than ever. She books into a hotel, and visits a career planning agency and gets some advice. She talks about how she's going to quit prostitution. But the episode ends with Jackie back on the street. However from her hair it is evident that this is an older take. Can't help whether this is a fact or just artistic licence from the producers in order to get a cliffhanger ending.

I find it so hard that Jackie should be so lonely when there are millions of viewers sharing her thoughts and troubles. But then TV has always been a one-way medium. Luckily the net is complete opposite - here anybody can voice their opinion with the same influence as the big media corporations. Unfortunately Jackie isn't on the net, but she has a manager that fans probably can write to.

The next thought was as Jackie is so fond of music, perhaps her fans could send her CDs to listen to when she was feeling depressed. I certainly have found it a great solace, although I'm past the stage where I used to listen to Joy Division (and stopped feeling suicidal as well, thank you for asking). One night I turned off all the lights and put on one of my favorite CDs - Sarah McLaughlan's Fumbling towards Extacy - and thought this would have been a suitable choice:

Listen to the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would i spend forever
and not be satisfied

And I would be the one
to hold you down, kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after I wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

12 Sept 00

No Jackie this week. Shame. Having had some spare time I've started drawing Jackie from video stills. This is the first portraits I've ever done since primary school almost twenty years ago, and the only drawings apart from a couple of illustrations at a graphic design course in '91. Guess drawing is like riding a bicycle. Most of the drawings aren't much of a likeness, but are quite pleased with a couple of them. They are mostly from her career planner interview and the episode before she leaves for Greece.

Found out that HMV sells the CD. Ordered it straight away. After reading the comment from her manager, I thought it was a hoax when I found it listed on CDDB. I guess it was just a ruse to keep it a surprise when it was revealed on the show.

19 Sept 00

Jackie now takes a trip back to Hackney, to visit her childhood home and school. This is almost too sad to watch. I only hope her first parents saw the show and felt remorse. She mentioned that she didn't know where her brothers were, but with all the publicity I should be hard for them not to notice. I just hope they realize what a beautiful sister they have and get in touch. If I had been her brother, I would be very proud.

The second episode just figures a very brief scene where Jackie talks about her future. Her hair is much longer now, and it's apparently taken several months later as the weather is much colder. There are a few retrospective shots from Sussex Gardens before her nose operation and I never saw before. It seems there are quite a few episodes I've missed during the summer.

24 Sept 00

Jackie's CD finally arrived. I must admit I found it a mixed bag at first, but it has grown on me and now I play it quite often. Easy listening is not exactly my street, and while I also enjoy classical music my tastes are more 19th century romanticism than baroque - Carmen being my favorite opera, but especially Walden (being on the Last night of the Proms is one of my dreams). I prefer the pieces she plays alone, as I'm not too keen on the arrangements (especially the choir). But for an amateur musician I think she does a great job. I have been playing classical guitar for longer than she has played piano, practicing almost every day for over twenty years, and nobody would ever offer me a contract for a classical album.

26 Sept 00

Having gotten a new job (just 25 hours overtime the first week) dead in the city centre, I usually pop by the bookstore after work. Went to buy a pencil sharpener, and came out with a large pad of acid-free drawing paper and a Cretacolor drawing set. It has some really great Monolith graphite pencils that are all lead and no wood, plus lots of charcoal pencils and a kneaded eraser which I've never tried before. As a bonus of my first assignment (developing an international real estate web directory) I've gotten access to some very clever scripts that will ease the setup and maintenance of this site no end. It's a C-style preprocessor that makes it a breeze to set up fixed templates and new pages in just a few seconds. I guess this sounds complete incomprehensible to most readers, but those having done some web design know that keeping a site with many pages up to date is a big hassle, but with this system it's a breeze.

Well, here we go again. For days BBC Prime have announced that Jackie would appear. So what happens? No Jackie. They probably have canned introductions that are repeated before the shows, and as Jackie obviously is the major selling point they mention her as often as possible. I guess everybody wants a piece of Jackie to make a profit. The series have certainly made Lion Television's reputation, mainly because of Jackie's popularity, and 7 mill viewers isn't bad for the old BBC either. And while at least Decca is paying her royalties for her CD, that usually amounts to a few percent. So while fame may have brought her some fortune, most of it has ended up in the hands of people selling her bittersweet story. And as for getting herself a new life, I believe she's strong enough to be able to do that for herself without the publicity. But then we would probably never have heard of Jackie McAuliffe, and our lives would not have been enriched.

So what did we see? Aussie vagrant dumps girlfriend. Minicab operator gets dumped by wife. 16 year old girl got dumped by boyfriend when she told him she was pregnant. And Minicab driver is not dumped by fiancee, but he can't get a visa to move to England. While both Jackie and new face on the block Camilla tells us they don't find men worth the bother. I recently saw an ad where the producers wanted to meet people getting married between February and June this year. So apparently they haven't given up hope quite yet. And if we ever were to see Jackie walking down the isle under a white veil, I'm sure it would be one of the most beautiful moments in the history of the BBC.

Speaking of Camilla, I can't help wondering how much she's like many of the girls I've normally been attracted to. We have the same lifestyle, same line of work, even the same taste in music! She almost has as many vinyl records as myself, although I wouldn't have forked out £25 for the Vampyros Lesbos soundtrack (I've got the video, which I so far haven't bothered watching). So how come I'm unable to really feel much for anyone on this show except Jackie, who is so totally not my type?

I guess we never have any control over who we fall in love with. Most people certainly have an idea of what kind of person would be their ideal mate, but there's not guarantee that if you meet such a person you'll fall in love. I've certainly dated girls I've thought of as a perfect match - intelligent, educated, pretty, sense of humour and non-smoking (the latter is certainly a rarity). So why didn't I feel anything special for her? On the other hand, at first I couldn't stand the girl I ended up living with for five years. Love is not seeing a pretty girl on the bus and thinking you'd like to get to know her. Love is when someone appears out of the blue to reach out and touch our hearts. I guess that's what's makes us human. And for the last couple of years, there's been noone more human in my life than Jackie.

4 Oct 00

So who would have guessed? The announcers have been talking of Jackie going to Greece for this episode. Apparently they are a month or so out of sync. What we get is Jackie going to Wales to make her record. If I hadn't gotten the CD a week ago, I would have fallen out of my chair. I guess quite a few million viewers did just that when the episode first aired.

A week ago ago we saw yuppie casting director Camilla for the first time, who was in complete contrast to Jackie. Now she's depressed, not knowing what to do with her problems, while Jackie is feted like a superstar. And while this time it's Camilla who breaking down in tears, Jackie flutters around like a supermodel, with her long legs, a face like a greek sculpture and a figure most girls would die for. I guess it goes to show that happiness is relative. Wherever you are in life, you can be afraid of the future or cherish the moment.

When I was out of work ten years ago, I used to think that all my problems were financial and would disappear if got more money. Now I've got a well-paid job and my own flat, but I can't honestly say I feel any happier in general. At that time I found an old Fender Stratocaster in a music shop selling for £300, and I tried to figure out how long I could get by with eating only noodles to get that guitar. Recently I charged my Mastercard for a £200 Lego Mindstorms robotic invention set on impulse, which I played with for two days before tiring of it. And after a days work of trying to cope with clients paying £120 per hour for my advice and too stupid to listen to it, I often think back to the old days when I could sleep until noon and hang out with friends all night. Even the time the gas board cut off our electricity seems like a fond memory now.

I guess the human mind has a constant capacity for worrying and enjoyment. External factors only influences which circuit is operating at any given time. Loneliness certainly only brings on worrying, while having good friends helps put problems into perspective. Whenever I think back on problems that at the time seemed unsurmountable, most of them now seem quite trivial. Things usually sort themselves out over time, so there's not too much point worrying. Far better to concentrate on one's hopes and ambitions and seizing the day. It certainly seems like Jackie has done so. While most people in her situation would have lost control over their lives, she stepped down into the gutter, got her hands dirty because it was necessary, but then stepped out to follow the path that she never had lost sight of. This is what they teach in driving school. If you stare in front of the car trying to keep between the middle line and the curb you end up swaying from side to side. But if you keep your eyes on where the road meets the horizon, you'll drive steadily the shortest route even if a wheel or two may stray onto the gravel.

A month ago I used to go to sleep with tears in my eyes, thinking of how much suffering would lie ahead for Jackie. Now I know she's become a star, and probably will achieve more than I ever will. But I can't wait to find out what's happened to her in the last year. I don't know how long we will see her on the show, and how long that will last. Certainly there isn't much info on the net. And all the links on the BBC website have vanished since they reorganised the site (luckily I copied down the texts beforehand). Perhaps if we all call them and complain they'll put in a weekly updated news bulletin on BBC World. That way she should never need to sleep rough again, as I'm sure there would be an open door for her in every town.

11 Oct 00

Came home from a really disappointing day at work yesterday. Opened the paper and found out that BBC Prime has taken Paddington Green off. I do not know if it's permanent, as I'm sure there are more episodes made. But there is the possibility that we have seen the last of Jackie, and I feel like I've lost someone very close. Last night I woke up after two hours of sleep, and felt really bad. I've had a fever all day, and had to call in sick.

I haven't been so depressed in many years. And I have noone I could talk to who would not believe I'm bonkers for getting so upset about a cancelled TV show. But this is much more that a TV show. These are real people, with real problems. So is my caring for Jackie, as much as any person I've known. And when people are suddenly torn out of our lives, the pain is very much for real.

This easter I went home to carry my grandfather into the grave. He was 86 years old, a Narvik veteran, and a very humble and unassuming man who had expressed a wish to be buried with as little fuss as possible. I had known him all my life, living with him and my grandmother for several years, and now he was gone. But it was something we had expected for some time, and when the news arrived it was not so much a tragedy than a release. While I did weep when I was thinking back to my memories of him before the funeral, it was not painfully.

Not so with Jackie. She came from literally nowhere into my hectic but meaningless life and turned it totally around. She captivated my heart, and now she's been taken away again. Some may say I haven't lost more than I have gained, but that is not true. Jackie has shared with us her deepest thoughts, her deepest sorrows but also a few of her happy moments, and in so doing enriched our lives. I have leared a lot during the last months, and it has made me aware of what has been lacking in my life. While Jackie and I in most respects are just completely different, deep, deep down in the core we are one and the same. While her path has been different and infinately more difficult, the goals we seek are quite similar. And some day, if Jackie should read these words, maybe they will be of a little comfort on her quest. My only regret is that they didn't come at a time when she needed them most.

15 Oct 00

Today's my birthday. Were going to have a party yesterday, but being sick for three days kinda screwed up my plans. Also, many of the friends I was going to invite are either away or sick - there seems to be a flu epidemic going on. Instead I got quite a bit of work done on the site.

Get a reply from BBC Prime stating that that they only had schedules the first two series so far, and cannot give any information on whether the third series will be shown. I feel it really frustrating to make a site when most readers will know much more about Jackie's future life than myself, having seen it on BBC1 almost a year ago. Have been searching the Usenet for clues, but it seems most comments were made early 1999 when the show was new. Maybe she doesn't feature as much in the third series as Jeremy Mills indicated.

Anyway, I feel most of the point of the site is now wasted. I wanted to gather up info on Jackie's life for her fans, but it seems they are already informed. And I felt so sorry for Jackie, seeing her depressed and lonely, and hoped she would feel comforted by knowing that there was a lot of people out there who had accepted her and loved her. But apparently she's understood that already, becoming a celebrated artist and having sorted out her life for the most part.

I guess I could just close down this site, knowing that Jackie is now living a happy life - well, as happy as the rest of us at least, whatever that means. But I think she deserves more than that. A few months ago I used to think a lot about what would happen to Jackie. I feared that she might never get off the streets, off the booze, and never find a blissful life. Then again, maybe she would marry a millionaire, move to Hollywood and become a star like she deserves more than most. Or maybe she would just end up living a perfectly normal life, with a house in the suburbs, a husband, two cats and a part-time job at Tesco's. Being a famous celebrity this may be a long shot, but somehow I think that this is not a life she would be unhappy in.

17 Oct 00

It's Tuesday, eleven o'clock, Paddington Green time. But no more Paddington Green, no more Jackie. What I do have is a registered domain, a permanent server, a new name and a resolve to finally finish the site.

After a lot of digging on the BBC site I've managed to make an episode schedule of the show, and apparently BBC Prime was in error. The recording sessions was the last episodes of series three, which was shown on BBC1 9 November 1999. Series four started nine months later, apparently without Jackie. So it seems that apart from the 30-min special interview Jackie's Story it will have been the last of her on the show. Worse, it seems her fame hasn't solved many of her problems. "Everyone thinks i've got it made after being on tv, but i'm on the dole and broke ... Sometimes i'm tempted to be a hooker again." Hopefully BBC Prime will show this interview at some time, but after the heartwarming ending of the third series it would be so sad if it had all been for nothing. If anyone deserves a break now in life, it's Jackie. But all I can say to you is help Jackie by buying her CD!

20 Oct 00

Digression #1: Today is my mother's birthday. This year I will not be taking her to Paddington for the weekend. However my last client was so pleased with the work we did on the real estate web site that he has promised me a free weekend trip to London. Which was great! At least for a few days...

Digression #2: Some years ago I got to know a Russian couple that was visiting our university. We had them over for dinner couple of times, as well as meeting them elsewhere on several occations. He was the leader of local UNESCO student club, and was really impressed of us having a computer (well, nine actually) at home, something he had always wanted. We managed to scrounge around for a cheap 386 (about £200 then, but close to a months salary for him) for him to take home. Unfortunately it wouldn't boot at all, and we spent all night just to make it work.

While he as assertive, boisterous and fond of being the center of attention, his girlfriend was just the opposite. Maria was so sweet and charming, and always hung around me asking if she could make tea or do something for me while I was trying to fix this wrecked computer. I did not if that was typical of Russian girls or if she really had taken a fancy to me, but I certainly liked her a lot. However, her boyfriend started acting a little jealous (talking about how Russian men liked to fight over their girls), so I tried not to let it show.

After staying up all night I eventually managed to fix it in time for their early morning flight. When they came to pick it up, to my surprise (and her boyfriends annoyance) she jumped out of the car and gave me a warm and loving farewell kiss. I was too stunned to react at the time, but when I got back to bed I realized I had fallen in love.

After they left I didn't hear of them again. I did not know if he was sore about something, but about a year later I talked to a mutual friend at the university. He had heard they had been vacationing by the Black Sea, but the he had gone home alone, leaving her behind. I thought about contacting them to find out how things were going between them, but they never gave me their address (mail was still censored back then). And by then I had moved, leaving my old address invalid, so there was no way for them to get hold of me either.

Time passed, but I never could forget Maria. Whenever I heard of the increasingly caotic situation in Russia, I thought of how she was doing. After I signed up for a chat database a couple of years ago, I started getting quite a few emails from Russian women that wanted to start over in the west. Every time I hoped it was from Maria, but no luck. Searching the net for their names always came up blank. Only just this summer I spent a couple of nights browsing through Russian matchmaker sites for her. If she had been listed (divorced probably, with a couple of children), I would have been on the first flight. But there was no clues... until I happened to try Google while researching this site.

Finding an email address for the current club secretary, I asked her to convey my greetings and where they could be contacted. Last night I received an email back, where she was deeply sorry to inform me that they both had died about a year after we met. She said 'the Sircumstances and reason are still unknown', but it was apparent that Maria had been murdered. If it was the mafia, some political extremists or just a maniac I can only speculate, but how anyone could get themselves to hurt this sweet little girl I will never understand.

Last night I cried a long time before going to sleep. Not that uncommon these days, but for once it was not over Jackie. It has never been my way to try to break up a happy couple for my own gain. But somehow I cannot get over the fact that if I had held onto Maria after that kiss, telling her to dump her boyfriend and stay with me instead, she might have been alive today.

On Jackie's CD there's an old Edith Piaf tune, Je ne Regrette Rien. While I have done a few stupid things in my life, I have not regretted them as much as tried to learn how not to repeat them. But there are many things I I regret I never did. Sometimes it may have been shyness, at other times cowardice. So what am I doing for the rest of my life?. Perhaps it's time to start living instead of just going on for the ride.

30 Oct 00

Been a busy couple of weeks. The new job seems like a dead end, but lately some old clients have made some advances that seem promising. Haven't had time to do much on the site though.

Located someone at the University that knew what happened to Maria and her boyfriend. There was another friend killed with them, who had also been visiting. Apparently they had an argument with their bank manager about some money he owed them. But after arranging a meeting where he should pay them back, he instead killed them all and set fire to their car, cremating the bodies. But as the police soon found out about the meeting, he was rapidly arrested and put in jail, where he soon killed himself. He was pronounced insane and the case was closed.

I have no idea of the amount of money involved, but would not be surprised to learn that it was less than people spend on a summer vacation. But for this four people had to lose their lifes, including an innocent girl that I can't think ever bothered anyone. Life can be pretty harsh sometimes.

Another mail was from the PG producer, Jeremy Mills of Lion TV. He made some nice comments on the site, so hopefully they are not going to sue me for breach of copyright just at the moment. (Well, I never figured that was likely. After all there are thousands of Dr Who fan sites all featuring BBC copyrighted material, who've never had a problem - in contrast to the Trekkies vs Paramount).) He also mentioned that he saw Jackie a couple of months ago, in fine form and with a regular job, which was nice to hear.

However, sadly a friend of Jackie's mailed me that she had tipped her about this site, and Jackie was none too pleased about the idea. I do not think she has seen it, and quite probably may have gotten the wrong impression about it. But I totally understand her concerns about her privacy, and I would not want her to get the impression that I'm a stalker or anything similar. The only info I ever have posted has been from the show or what she has stated in interviews. But I do get a suspicion she does have some regrets about the media exposure.

This situation has made even more unclear about what to do. On one hand hurting Jackie's feelings is absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. But who knows what she wanted to obtain by abandoning her anonymity to go on the show? Her story has touched us all and changed a lot of opinions, but it may in some ways have made her life even more difficult. If she felt unloved, that should be thoroughly disproved now. She's apparently been barraged by attention by everything from tranny-chasing punters to silly infatuated web designers like myself, all expressing their desires in more or less flattering terms. But that won't pay any bills. In fact it should make it even harder, as her past source of income may have become more hazardous now.

However, escaping the public attention is not easy. And it's not going to end by saying "I'm unhappy, I'm lonely, and would you all stop caring now thank you very much". Sometimes I've wished I had never heard of Jackie McAuliffe, then my life would have been much easier during the last months. But thinking of this unhappy girl in London makes me feel so depressed and frustrated, being almost 1000 miles away and unable to do anything apart from pouring my heart out into cyberspace. It may not do Jackie any good, but it's my only form of therapy. But just so it won't do Jackie any harm either, I've removed all of the personal info on her from the site. The only thing left are the newspaper interviews, which all are available on the web elsewhere and easily found via various search engines. Now the site is not so much about Jackie as about my life and how I think about her. And hopefully she would not object to that.

When I got the news this weekend I was so low I had to pretend to having a cold to explain away my runny nose on the bus. I could only think about how the only girls I've really cared for the last few years, one gets brutally murdered and the other hates my guts. But the kind words from her friend where she asked me not to take down the site was a big help. She expressed a hope that Jackie might overcome her reservations about her privace and appreciate the site for what it's meant to be. It may feel like idle flattery, but I do not know what else to do at the moment. If she wanted to I'd help her in any way I could, but that takes trust. And trust is something Jackie unfortunately hasn't had much opportunity to develop in her life yet. But from my own experience I know it is better to trust someone and be betrayed, than to be forever on your own.

21 Nov 00

Some more busy weeks with lots of work and not much to do on the site. However I have received a few nice emails from various people - thanks to everyone. A links page will be up Real Soon Now.

Was watching Celebrity Ready Steady Cook recently, where one of the guests were Jeremy Spake (the Aeroflot ground crewman from Airport). Like many docu-soap regulars he seems to enjoy his time in the spotlight, but after living a regular, dull life who wouldn't want to feel special? I started thinking how nice it would have been to have Jackie on the other team. I have no idea what she would have bought (can only remember her eating eggs, bacon and beans in Greece), but as long as Jeremy brought a miniature bottle of vodka why shouldn't she be allowed a gin fizz? But of course some other TV presenter appeared. The BBC is not going to upset somebody's lunch by bringing on characters who goes directly against the usual Victorian moral values on daytime TV. But then again, Jackie's been special all her life, and all she wants is a regular life. Why should this be so controversial?

On a personal note I have been offered a job in London. Two months in a large consulting company where the answer to every problem starts with 'Microsoft' has left me feeling in a dead end. So when a previous client enquired me about becoming IT coordinator it seemed like the best break of my career so far (especially concidered I never finished my education and didn't get a steady job until 30). They even included a flat in the bargain! Am going there in two weeks' time to check things out. If everything turns out ok I'll probably move there in February.

Although being sick and tired of the dull Scandinavian lifestyle I'm a bit hesitant about leaving all my friends and move to a new city where I don't know anybody apart from work. So if anyone living in London wants to get in touch, feel free to email me.

I guess somebody must wonder if I'm moving to London to search out Jackie. To this the answer is no. My first choice if moving would have been Portugal, Spain or Italy, but unfortunately the company has no subsidiaries there. So it was London or Copenhagen, which really wasn't much of a choice.

Secondly I respect her privacy too much for that. If she were to read these pages and feel flattered I would surely love to meet her. But not unless she wishes to herself. I suspect being a minor celebrity can become more of a nuisance than a benefit, and I would wish nothing more than for her than to assume as normal a life as possible. If I should bump into her on the street I would not know whether to pass unnoticed or apologise for upsetting her with making this site.

But I'm sure I won't forget her. I still have problems sleeping at night. And next year I'll probably be feeling very lonely, wondering if she's still lonely as well. And should someone suggest that it would be better to be lonely together, I guess I would have to agree.

20 Dec 00

Tomorrow is my last day at work, and the last before going home for xmas. Next year I'll be starting in a new position as an IT project manager, where I'll be responsible for coordinating and training the programmers in the various branches around Europe. First time working for a multinational company and having any sort of management position, both of which makes me feel a little out on deep water. But getting the opportunity to live in London for free was an offer I couldn't refuse. Kind of makes me feel guilty to be this lucky when I think of how unlucky Jackie has been most of her life.

Went over to London last weekend to meet the people at the UK office, who were a very nice bunch. Not much time to spend with them then, but we got that right last friday when they came over for an xmas party (they probably still feel the after effects of the aquavit). Saturday night was spend with a few friends at an excellent indian restaurant in Soho, and who should I find sitting at the next table but a colleague from my last job! Turns out he is moving to London as well in March, so we've talked of getting a flat together then.

Apart from that, nothing new. Gotten a few emails though from some nice people, all of whom I'd like to wish a merry xmas and a happy new year. But it goes with saying that my warmest wishes of all goes out to Jackie. If you should read this, I hope that you will have a nice xmas together with the people that are closest to you. Unfortunately I'm not one of them, but if I could have one new year's wish come true, it would be that your next thirty years will be full of as much happiness as the previous ones have been of sorrow. But if you should be spending it it alone, at least my thoughts will be with you every day.

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