"Life's pretty boring for most people. But sometimes, you might be somewhere, and all of a sudden you get a split second and you think it's not that bad. If I could go around everywhere for just those few split seconds, it'd be worth it. I'm sure I'll get one of them some day." [mpeg: 4.5MB]

Webmaster's Diary, Part 3

26 Aug 2001

So, just a few days after writing the previous entry, I manage to break my left arm in a bicycle accident. Spending most of sunny June in a sofa may sound relaxing, but being unable to do much except watching TV is pretty boring. And while I should have done some updating of the site, typing with one hand is not very effective.

After three weeks I was almost up to scratch, except the arm was rather stiff and needed exercise. By chance I got an offer to join a friend and his family for a three week trip to Portugal and Spain, which I jumped on at a couple of days' notice. You can read more about the trip in the Lomographs section. Suffice to say that Santiago de Compostella is (along with London) the most exciting city I've visited, and I'll definitely try to return next year for the Apostolo festival in late July.

Upon returning, I discovered heads had rolled at work. In a fit of DotCom Depression all of the management had been replaced, to my joy with someone who actually grasps the concepts of project management and quality control. Now leading the local operation is the former head of the now defunct London office, who is a great guy. And to make amends for the previous broken promises they gave me a generous raise and a new contract. So it seems my previous job frustrations are at and end, but as I'm now stuck more comfortably in my present job it seems that my London plans are farther away than ever...

3 Sept 2001

UK Horizons is starting a daily rerun of Paddington Green later today. As I haven't seen the early episodes it irks me even more that I'm not in London. Don't know anyone with a VCR who could tape it for me either. Wonder what Jackie feels about being on the tube again. Although being scheduled in the soap opera slot, it's bound to put her back in people's consciousness to a certain extent, so anonymity seems still far off.

Have gotten a fix on vintage rangefinder cameras lately, I was reading about the photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson and found a portrait of the American writer Carson McCullers. Haven't read any of her yet, but found a reference to her novel "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe" that seemed quite appropriate:

"Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world--a world intense and strange, complete in himself."

"Now, the beloved can also be of any description. [...] The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else--but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit."

"It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain."

Guess this is the story of my life. It also contains a lesson a should have learned a long time ago, which would have told me that maybe Jackie wouldn't appreciate my making a site about her. But I hope it's not true for everyone. Myself I've certainly been flattered about being the interest of others who I had harbored no intentions on, but presumable the novelty might wear off. Anyway I've usually gotten mixed up in the most hopeless of cases, and when for once I think it may be requited she gets shot and doused in petrol. No wonder I've given up dating.

"It's true that the lover thinks of himself as a giver. But he gives his beloved a basket. And it is an empty basket that the beloved is expected to fill. The lover's motives are really selfish. And the beloved is often reticent to accept the great obligation. The Wizard of Oz was right. The size of one's heart is not measured by how much one loves, but by how much one is loved by others. Hardly anyone knows this."

So am I being selfish? I hope not. The only thing I wanted from Jackie was to be able to hug her and tell her she's a nice girl. Not being able to, I made a site instead. Funnily, I've been using the handle "Wiz" for years on chat sites, yet I've never seen the movie. But by some weird syncronicity Jackie plays the main tune on her album. So what does that tell us? Judging by the responses I've gotten, Jackie must have a huge heart.

21 Sept 2001

Although somewhat belated, I'd like to convey my deepest condolances to all readers in the US and others who have suffered losses of their friends the recent horrific events. While you Americans have borne the brunt of the losses, there were many foreigners among the casualties, including 100 British, and many of us abroad had friends that were affected in various ways. Three of my best friends on holiday in the US visited the WTC under 24 hours before the attack, and saw it all from their hotel room. And for several hours I feared that a friend I've gotten via this site could had been in the third building that collapsed. So please remember that we're in this together, and should try to help each other in times of distress.

To illustrate our sympathies I took this photo outside the American embassy, where local residents had been placing flowers for days along the road for about 100 meters. Starting at the farthest end I tried counting the bouquets, but after reaching 500 they were no longer possible to discern as they were stacked three layers high. I estimated the total to about 2000. Considering a population of 350.000 and outages at the local florists I think I can safely say you are in our hearts.

15 Oct 2001

Once more it's my birthday. Meant to spend it in London meeting old and new friends, but as I managed to break my arm again this fell apart. Three weeks ago I ran into a car while biking, and after a short flight over the bonnet I got myself a broken shoulder, a busted knee and a real shiner. Got me thinking it might be time to buy a helmet.

Today also marks the one year anniversary of this site, which might be a good time to take a status check on what I've achieved. Let's start with the failures first. I never found out what happened to Jackie after the series, or if she managed to get off the game and find a happier life. Neither did I get any response from her on what she thought of the site. While she apparently was apprehensive about someone doing a site about her at first, I've never heard any indication that she's seen it and disapproved of it. After a year I think it quite unlikely that she hasn't found it (either by herself or being tipped off by a friend), so I assuming she don't mind it. Hopefully she appreciated my gratitude and sympathy for her, and perhaps even be a bit flattered by the attention.

On a more positive note, the public response to this website has been overwhelmingly positive. What I'm most proud of is that Jackie was listed on Prof. Lynn Conway's TS Women's Successes webpage as an example of how she through courage and determination against all odds succeded in transitioning to be accepted by society as a wholesome, attractive and admired woman. To all those in the same situation who have been forced to prostitution or considered doing so (especially in the US where SRS is not funded by Public Health), she still demonstrates that being while in a desperate situation she still retained her dignity and did her best to improve her standing. And whenever I think of her sleeping in the street, standing drunk on a corner in Sussex Gardens or lamenting her loneliness in a Greek hotel room, I can't help feeling a bit proud about having helped her in a modest way to achieve this kind of public recognition.

Also, several readers have commended my portrayal of transsexuality in general in a positive and educated manner, something which the general media seldom manages. For this I am very grateful. I must confess that before seeing Jackie I was probably as confused about this subject as most others. Perhaps I'd been watching to many drag queens in movies, but in my stupidity I actually regarded m2f transsexuals as being on the very extreme scale of the gay spectrum (for which I now apologise profusely). After reading a lot of websites and being in contact with several during the past year, I've realised they're just women with hormonally induced birth defects, most of which are perfectly treatable when diagnosed in time. Not only that, but they are in general more intelligent, kind, interesting and not seldom more beautiful than the general female population.

From those I've been fortunate to strike some genuine friendships. One of those is my learned penpal in New York whom I've been in daily contact with for long periods, and who never seizes to surprise me in our varied discussions in which we seldom seem to agree in anything. But closest to my heart is my dear English sweetheart who caused so many smudges on my monitor earlier this year. We share more common interests and experiences than any other girl I've known. She's a talented guitarist, a computer buff, and the coolest girl on the planet. She's also one of the most beautiful, and she's given me more kindness and loving words than all other girls together for many years. I swear if I could have designed the perfect girlfriend from scratch she would be a close match. I'm probably deluding myself as usual in hoping she'll find me a worthy partner, but the fact that I haven't managed to drive her away by my feeble attempts at gaining her confidence surely must account for something. Hadn't it been for my accident I were to have met her this weekend, but hopefully I'll get to see her in a month or so. Please cross your fingers and wish me the best of luck.

However, this begins another chapter in my life. And as I couldn't have wished for a more fortunate conclusion to the previous one, I feel this is a suitable time to close this diary. In another year I may have succeeded in moving to England and/or be living with the girl I've been looking for the last ten years, grateful that despite the hypocritical British legal system we can still be married and quite possibly soon adopt children here in Norway. Or I may have wound up with another broken heart, more work frustrations and still trying to find which direction my happiness lies in. But that is beside the point. What I've learned in the past year is that by opening my heart and mind in disregard of public prejudice for the tribulations of a very special person, I've quite unexpectedly gone further in bringing about my own happiness than many years of egotistical self-pitying. So I'll send a huge thank you, Jackie, for having the courage to share your joys and sorrows with us. We wish you all the happiness in the world, and you'll forever hold a special place in our hearts.

PS: In a few months many of you will be relieving your consciences by a donation or two to your favourite charities, which probably will be heart disease or cancer funds or some other ailment that's likely to strike you or your family at some time. While worthy causes, please also consider supporting your local transgender rights organisation. While it afflicts only a small fraction of the population, it brings untold suffering and has a 50% mortality rate. And by reading my story you'll hopefully realise you are not just fighting for the rights of a small minority, but quite possibly for your right to marry the next love of your life.